coming out of the Twilght closet

Let me first go on record as being Twilight ambivalent. As a person who works in a children's library I am pleased to see so many girls reading. As a person who loves literary fiction I am appalled at Stephenie Meyers lack of writing talent. (Notice I am overlooking the fact that she has produced volumes of work and has enthralled millions, whereas I haven't even written a blog post for five people in nearly a year.) To Ms. Meyers credit, she did improve with each volume.

Oops, I'm out! Yes, I have read all four books, which takes a proficient reader all of a week at most. I could plead professional curiosity, but in truth I had to see what happened when Edward took a bite of Bella.

I have seen some facebook outrage lately, from both teams. No, not Team Edward and Team Jacob, but Team Righteous and Team Don't Judge Me. Humor me while I attempt to bridge the gap.

What non-Twilight readers don't realize is that this isn't a book about vampires. It is a book romance and restraint. It is a book about how it is possible for a man to care so much about the woman he loves that he will deny his most basic needs and his most powerful urges. That is why it appeals to at least three generations of women who have been socialized to believe that all men are dogs and that their own sexuality is cheap.

In defense of the believers out there who are offended that their sisters are getting so much joy out of these books and movies, popular culture is indeed a miry maze and to say that as Christ followers we don't need to be careful what we put in our heads would be naive at best. If your best tactic in the war to to stay completely away, then you are not missing much. There are other ways to teach our daughters that they are valuable and cherished.

This goes so much deeper than Twilight. It speaks to all the issues that divide us as the Body and there are so many of those. We all go around poking each other in the eye screaming, "Don't judge me!" and, "Don't judge me for judging you!" There is where an is enemy lurking. If we can be thrown off by all the trivial little pish posh in our lives we will miss what is really important.

if you want to laugh til you cry

because i think it is ok to post a picture of a cute guy kissing my daughter...

I love this picture and I haven't posted for awhile.

Here is a funny thing that happened yesterday: I was texting some friends to meet me for lunch and I accidentally invited the first person on my contact list to join us.

This is funny because he is a man and he used to be a pastor at our church.

His name rhymes with Will Sanderson.

I don't know why I thought this was so hilarious, but I cracked up all day long.

so here's what's new...

nothing and I'm pretty sure its gonna stay that way because I am finally on FaceBook. May I say it makes me feel like a real dork, but it seems like I can't stay away. I have already been in contact with a few people I haven't seen in years, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonnna like this. As long as no one I hated in high school finds me we're all ok. 

I hated most people in high school.

coming out of the closet

Most of you know that my youngest daughter is 16. I just cleaned out my hall closet and found a coat that was size 10. Little girl 10, not big girl 10. I got rid of gloves that would fit Max, scarves that were early 90s at best, and some strange incense. I put everything in a bag for Good Will, who I'm sure will be thrilled to get winter stuff just as the daffodils are blooming. They will also get some vacuum cleaner bags for a vacuum that I bought used more than 20 years ago. I know they love to see me coming.

Now I can put my vacuum, table leaf, four folding chairs, and six coats easily in the hall closet.

I also started a Lenten devotional today. A week ago Wednesday was the start of Lent, for those of you heathens that don't know that. The devotional is on prayer so I guess you could say I'm cleaning out my prayer closet, too. Ha ha, groan.

I also wrote a letter that I have been meaning to write for over a week. No closet references there.

My point, if I had one, is that I am a terrible procrastinator. I wouldn't be so bad but it seems like late is often really better than not at all. My closet is really clean and I did three days of a simple devotional and I might hear back from someone I thought I lost contact with. 

I inspire myself so much that I may go tackle something else... later.

sometimes my job sucks

Anyone who knows me knows I love my job. I am grateful that after 20 plus years of being at home and with no college degree I was given a job with so much satisfaction. Everthing I get to do fits some little niche in my personality. I get to be around books and people who love books. I get to help people one on one and they think I am smart. I get to be creative and to make things, someting I never knew I was good at.

Very occasionally the job can be heartbreaking. People come in for all sorts of information. A young girl, giddy and giggly, takes home books on what to expect now that she is expecting. A grandmother, voice breaking, whispers to me that she needs information on what to do for a child who has been molested. 

The other day was the worst.

A woman who appeared to be in her thirties or fourties, spent a long time on-line, printing out information from Planned Parenthood. Everything prints out from the front desk, so she had to come up to collect her copies and pay for them. She did this a couple of times and each time I was the clerk to help her. Right before she left she came up to get one last document. 

It was an informed consent form to perform the procedure on a minor child.

I took her fifteen cents and prayed. 

I feel awful.

i'm giving up my best friends

for Lent. I don't think I've ever sucessfully given up anything before. I remember once trying to give up sugar. You can imagine how that went.

This morning I was wandering around, opening the curtains, sipping coffee, just the usual morning thing, when it occurred to me that today was Ash Wednesday. I grew up protestant so I didn't know what Ash Wednesday was until after college. I was working in a clothing store and made the embarrrassing mistake of telling a woman that she had a smudge on her forehead. 

Anyway, about the time I realized that today was Ash Wednesday, I realized that I hadn't yet had my morning meeting with my best friends. That would be Matt, Meridith, and Al, or Robin, Diana, and Sam. I have watched morning "news" every morning for decades. I used to be a die hard GMA fan but after Charlie Gibson left I switched to the Today Show. Lately I have been watching which ever one is the least depressing. I will run across the room to change the channel whenever any talk of the economy comes on. If Dave Ramsey is on I am even faster. He is seeming a bit smug these days.

So I am giving it up for lent. I'm not sure how I will manage. How will I know what is up with the octuplet mother? What if they have an on air wedding and I miss it? There are probably going to be new color palates for spring and I'm not even going to know what they are! 

This morning I listened to Norah Jones and did a cross word puzzle. I'm planning on getting a little more spiritual with this, but that wasn't a bad start. Actually it was a much nicer way to start my day.

Let me know when Lent is over. I may be on a walk or have my nose in a book.

bad cusser

As soon as I posted the last post I felt awkward, but when I went back to edit it I saw that it was too late. I should have used cartoon cussing @$$#*%! or said poop head. I think if you are going to cuss you should do it with a completely clean conscience but when I do it I feel like I am in fourth grade, trying it out for the first time.

I will try to redeem myself. This morning Brother Al led music. I love his Sinatra renditions and the fact that he chooses old choruses that I haven't thought of in years. I also love that he has a running commentary that is relevant and useful.

Today he said that when God's love is mentioned in the Psalms, it is preceded more than 20 times by the word unfailing. That is such a comfort, not just as a lovee, but as a lover. I fail people all the time in the way that I love them. I'm so glad that the Creator of love has me covered and He does a much better job of it than I do.

I'm not going to stop trying, though. Just thought I should warn you.

Today God gave me an Anne Lamott book. Ok, He made me pay five dollars for it, but it is hardback and just what I need. I don't know how many of you have read Anne, could be that you wouldn't like her. She somtimes refers to God as She and she pretty much hates George Bush. I like to think I am a lot like her, minus the dreadlocks. She has a lot of angry negative thoughts, like me. She can be crass about it, like me. She puts it all out there and doesn't worry about what people think, not like me. Maybe if I were more like her I would write genius books and have a Guggenheim fellowship. Like I even know what that is.

Here is an excerpt: 

"I nursed my resentments and disgrace like young plants, watering them, trimming back the dead leaves, making sure they got enough sunlight."

"At times like these, I believe that Jesus rolls up his sleeves, smiles roguishly, and thinks, "This is good." He lets me get nice and crazy until I can't take my own thinking and solutions for one more moment. The next morning I got on my knees and prayed, "Please, please help me. Please let me feel You while I adjust to not getting what I was hoping for." And then I remembered rule 1: When all else fails, follow instructions. And rule 2: Don't be an asshole"

She's not Beth Moore. but she makes her point.

Yup, that's where I've been for awhile. Crazy tired of my own thoughts. So how nice to have a little gift show up at Borders today. Plan B, Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott.

lil livvie

So Liv has a great weekend coming up at Life Change Camp. The band she plays in is doing worship for a high school rally. This is a picture from when she got to do a recording session last summer.

I haven't posted about what I am reading lately because it is trashy. Sometimes you just need a break. I have started Reading Lolita in Tehran which is going to be very worthwhile.

More later.. I have been thinking about how chic lit hasn't really changed over the years and how women fantasize about weird things.

To me the hardest thing about blogging is when your mind is taken up with things that you can't blog about. I am annoyed when other people post vague posts about what is going on in their lives and you are just left with an unearned curiosity that you feel kind of weird about.

That is exactly where I find myself over the last few days. No one has a terminal illness and everything is really ok. Just so you know.

Yesterday I was working and I needed to stop my brain from a useless cycle of black thoughts and self recrimination. I called upon Amos Lee, Brahms, The Killers (Olivia loaded my ipod), Derek Webb, Corinne Bailey Rae, Tom Petty and all my other rock star friends. They
sound-blasted my head so that there was no room for anything else. Oh, and one more... Stacey. She is my rock star friend who came with soup and a sympathetic ear.


You rock!

Memoirs...

Like I said, I've been reading some memoirs lately, the most recent being The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. There just aren't enough superlatives to cover my experience with this book. I always hesitate to recommend books because I don't read a lot of "Christian" books. I don't suggest this one if you are offended by bad language, although it is rare and always in context. This woman has simply had an outrageous life, if outrageous means growing up in worst family you can imagine and I can imagine a lot. Yet there is nothing whiny or depressing about it. Read it.

So here is what I wonder about memoirs. How do people remember things in such vivid detail? I hardly recall what I am wearing right this minute, much less what I wore/ate/experienced when I was five! My guess is that it comes back to you as you write. If not you can make up details and you get asked back to the Oprah show to get yelled at.

Really, I make things up all the time.

I may give it a try, not writing my memoir, but just things I remember. I'll try not to make things up.

I'll start right now. First grade.

I lived in a small Kansas town and we had one black family, the Camps. I don't know how I know they were the only black family, but I don't think I made that up. Phillip Camp sat next to me in class. He had braces on his legs. Do kids still get braces on their legs? Mrs. Wright was our teacher (oh my the details are flooding back) and she was old. Probably 40 or something.

One day, early in the year, Phillip and I were comparing hands. We notice that they were different colors on one side and matching on the other. He wanted to be my boyfriend and I thought that was a great idea. In those days kids walked home for lunch so our moms could make us a sandwich and then we went back to school.

When I went home that noon I told my mother that Phillip was my boyfriend. She somehow let me know that wasn't ok. While we were never allowed to use the N word, my parent's attitude was one of benevolent tolerance, not racial equality. It was years before I found out what I seething bigot my father was.

The next day Mrs. Wright moved us apart and the relationship fizzled out. I understood that I was to be polite but keep my distance.

So I'm happy that I have a black president. He and I would disagree about a lot of things, but we would agree that my mom and Mrs. Wright missed the boat on this one.


This picture is for Mia. Dylan and Kim were delighted with the Fiesta bowls she got them as a wedding gift.

because...

after today my grandson will never know a world where a black man can't be president of the United States.

Today that is enough for me.

because a knitting friend asked...

This picture is just a little silliness, result of a conversation with friends when I was very tired.

I need to tell you how cool it is having adult kids living close. Dylan and Kim are here for a fiesta! Randy got tamales from a friend and made some enchiladas. Dylan is in charge of the margaritas. Woo hoo! I wish you were all here.

This morning I was putting clean clothes on hangers and noticed that I tend to choose the hangers that match the clothes I am hanging up. Odd, I know.

Had a conversation with someone yesterday about the stereotypical homeschool family. We listed a bunch of characteristics like long braids, denim jumpers, fifteen passenger vans and dozens of kids. She teaches her own kids at home and I used to, so we weren't being snarky, just observing. She said, "It would be easier to ignore stereotypes if people didn't work so darn hard at living up to them." True or untrue?

for all my knitting friends

I was never any good at dissection in high school. it all looked like mush to me. Maybe if it had been knitted I would have understood.

Me and Stephen King

I've spent most of today reading On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King. I'm much better at reading books about writing by writers than I am at actually writing. That is a well established fact. I haven't been able to put this one down.

Memoirs have become my new favorite genre, even as they are uncovered as fake, one after the next. I am on the waiting list for The Glass Castle. It must be the voyeur in me that loves reading about other peoples messed up lives. This book gives you a peek into Stephen King's life, which is only mildly disturbing. As a bonus he tells you how he goes about writing and what he considers essential to being a good writer.

I've always thought I would like Stephen King if I ever met him. He seems to be a no b.s. kind of guy. The Christian characters that he creates are not the most sympathetic, but I recognize them. I see in them my own tendency to wear my religion like worn out hand-me-downs. Religion covers up the private parts that no one should see, but doesn't do it with much style. Underneath the rags I am still a created being in need of the comfort of a Savior.

What a difference a year makes!

This is a picture of Olivia and Mia from Christmas 2007. Olivia is modeling the thong that Mia crocheted for her. We had no idea that a year later Mia would be living in Maine and Dylan and Kim would be married. Ok, we could have guessed the Dylan and Kim thing. Can't help but wonder where we will all be next year!

I've been having fun going back through the old xanga posts. Seriously nostalgic. Before I shut it down I want to print some of it out. Better buy a couple of cartridges!

Like most people I don't do well with New Year resolutions. I don't normally make them. I like being contrary and when I'm surrounded by people who are all pumped up with resolve I tend to refuse on principle alone.
Instead I cheat by choosing a word for the year and pretending that isn't really a resolution. In the past I have chosen such cheesy terms as "kindness" and "thankfulness" . Believe me, I need these things. I can be a mean, ungrateful person. Really! If you could see the inside of my head you would be amazed.

So last year I got inspired by our family's Christmas challenge to make things for each other. My word for the year was creativity. Kiss of death. I'm pretty sure I haven't had a creative thought all year.

You would think that I would just give it up but a bit ago I was cleaning out the fridge. I threw away enough food to feed us for a week, getting angrier with each emptied casserole dish and Rubbermaid container. The garbage disposal ground on and on, liquefying several dollars worth of grocery money. I bet I shelved books for three hours to pay for that roast and all those veggies.

So this is it. No lofty goals. Not going to be kinder, more grateful, or ten pounds lighter. I'm not resolving to be more thrifty or to be a better steward. I just want to throw away much less food. How hard can that be?

playing with pictures

I'm getting some practice posting pictures. Fortunately I have an entire wedding to play with. Picasa makes this pretty easy.

Dylan and Kim opted out of attendants at their wedding. This made things nicely simple. The focus was on the couple getting married and not on five fidgety girls yanking at the tops of their strapless gowns.
Max was adorable. He is an incredible dancer as well.

I have no idea what is up with the big black space but I can't seem to make it go away.

Ah well, more later.
S.

This is Me Getting Started

Hey, I've missed you all! I've missed hearing from you and I have missed writing, but it has been good to take a break. I've been doing a lot of lurking but haven't left many comments.

Dylan and Kim's wedding was amazing. Not a single flaw from my perspective. I'll put up some pictures later.

I've been told that this black background is hard to read, but I think it looks so cool. Let me know what you think.

More later as I explore all my options here. Let me know if you found me!

S.