i'm giving up my best friends

for Lent. I don't think I've ever sucessfully given up anything before. I remember once trying to give up sugar. You can imagine how that went.

This morning I was wandering around, opening the curtains, sipping coffee, just the usual morning thing, when it occurred to me that today was Ash Wednesday. I grew up protestant so I didn't know what Ash Wednesday was until after college. I was working in a clothing store and made the embarrrassing mistake of telling a woman that she had a smudge on her forehead. 

Anyway, about the time I realized that today was Ash Wednesday, I realized that I hadn't yet had my morning meeting with my best friends. That would be Matt, Meridith, and Al, or Robin, Diana, and Sam. I have watched morning "news" every morning for decades. I used to be a die hard GMA fan but after Charlie Gibson left I switched to the Today Show. Lately I have been watching which ever one is the least depressing. I will run across the room to change the channel whenever any talk of the economy comes on. If Dave Ramsey is on I am even faster. He is seeming a bit smug these days.

So I am giving it up for lent. I'm not sure how I will manage. How will I know what is up with the octuplet mother? What if they have an on air wedding and I miss it? There are probably going to be new color palates for spring and I'm not even going to know what they are! 

This morning I listened to Norah Jones and did a cross word puzzle. I'm planning on getting a little more spiritual with this, but that wasn't a bad start. Actually it was a much nicer way to start my day.

Let me know when Lent is over. I may be on a walk or have my nose in a book.

bad cusser

As soon as I posted the last post I felt awkward, but when I went back to edit it I saw that it was too late. I should have used cartoon cussing @$$#*%! or said poop head. I think if you are going to cuss you should do it with a completely clean conscience but when I do it I feel like I am in fourth grade, trying it out for the first time.

I will try to redeem myself. This morning Brother Al led music. I love his Sinatra renditions and the fact that he chooses old choruses that I haven't thought of in years. I also love that he has a running commentary that is relevant and useful.

Today he said that when God's love is mentioned in the Psalms, it is preceded more than 20 times by the word unfailing. That is such a comfort, not just as a lovee, but as a lover. I fail people all the time in the way that I love them. I'm so glad that the Creator of love has me covered and He does a much better job of it than I do.

I'm not going to stop trying, though. Just thought I should warn you.

Today God gave me an Anne Lamott book. Ok, He made me pay five dollars for it, but it is hardback and just what I need. I don't know how many of you have read Anne, could be that you wouldn't like her. She somtimes refers to God as She and she pretty much hates George Bush. I like to think I am a lot like her, minus the dreadlocks. She has a lot of angry negative thoughts, like me. She can be crass about it, like me. She puts it all out there and doesn't worry about what people think, not like me. Maybe if I were more like her I would write genius books and have a Guggenheim fellowship. Like I even know what that is.

Here is an excerpt: 

"I nursed my resentments and disgrace like young plants, watering them, trimming back the dead leaves, making sure they got enough sunlight."

"At times like these, I believe that Jesus rolls up his sleeves, smiles roguishly, and thinks, "This is good." He lets me get nice and crazy until I can't take my own thinking and solutions for one more moment. The next morning I got on my knees and prayed, "Please, please help me. Please let me feel You while I adjust to not getting what I was hoping for." And then I remembered rule 1: When all else fails, follow instructions. And rule 2: Don't be an asshole"

She's not Beth Moore. but she makes her point.

Yup, that's where I've been for awhile. Crazy tired of my own thoughts. So how nice to have a little gift show up at Borders today. Plan B, Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott.

lil livvie

So Liv has a great weekend coming up at Life Change Camp. The band she plays in is doing worship for a high school rally. This is a picture from when she got to do a recording session last summer.

I haven't posted about what I am reading lately because it is trashy. Sometimes you just need a break. I have started Reading Lolita in Tehran which is going to be very worthwhile.

More later.. I have been thinking about how chic lit hasn't really changed over the years and how women fantasize about weird things.

To me the hardest thing about blogging is when your mind is taken up with things that you can't blog about. I am annoyed when other people post vague posts about what is going on in their lives and you are just left with an unearned curiosity that you feel kind of weird about.

That is exactly where I find myself over the last few days. No one has a terminal illness and everything is really ok. Just so you know.

Yesterday I was working and I needed to stop my brain from a useless cycle of black thoughts and self recrimination. I called upon Amos Lee, Brahms, The Killers (Olivia loaded my ipod), Derek Webb, Corinne Bailey Rae, Tom Petty and all my other rock star friends. They
sound-blasted my head so that there was no room for anything else. Oh, and one more... Stacey. She is my rock star friend who came with soup and a sympathetic ear.


You rock!

Memoirs...

Like I said, I've been reading some memoirs lately, the most recent being The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. There just aren't enough superlatives to cover my experience with this book. I always hesitate to recommend books because I don't read a lot of "Christian" books. I don't suggest this one if you are offended by bad language, although it is rare and always in context. This woman has simply had an outrageous life, if outrageous means growing up in worst family you can imagine and I can imagine a lot. Yet there is nothing whiny or depressing about it. Read it.

So here is what I wonder about memoirs. How do people remember things in such vivid detail? I hardly recall what I am wearing right this minute, much less what I wore/ate/experienced when I was five! My guess is that it comes back to you as you write. If not you can make up details and you get asked back to the Oprah show to get yelled at.

Really, I make things up all the time.

I may give it a try, not writing my memoir, but just things I remember. I'll try not to make things up.

I'll start right now. First grade.

I lived in a small Kansas town and we had one black family, the Camps. I don't know how I know they were the only black family, but I don't think I made that up. Phillip Camp sat next to me in class. He had braces on his legs. Do kids still get braces on their legs? Mrs. Wright was our teacher (oh my the details are flooding back) and she was old. Probably 40 or something.

One day, early in the year, Phillip and I were comparing hands. We notice that they were different colors on one side and matching on the other. He wanted to be my boyfriend and I thought that was a great idea. In those days kids walked home for lunch so our moms could make us a sandwich and then we went back to school.

When I went home that noon I told my mother that Phillip was my boyfriend. She somehow let me know that wasn't ok. While we were never allowed to use the N word, my parent's attitude was one of benevolent tolerance, not racial equality. It was years before I found out what I seething bigot my father was.

The next day Mrs. Wright moved us apart and the relationship fizzled out. I understood that I was to be polite but keep my distance.

So I'm happy that I have a black president. He and I would disagree about a lot of things, but we would agree that my mom and Mrs. Wright missed the boat on this one.


This picture is for Mia. Dylan and Kim were delighted with the Fiesta bowls she got them as a wedding gift.

because...

after today my grandson will never know a world where a black man can't be president of the United States.

Today that is enough for me.